Year End Accounting pt. 1

Shit.

Well, it’s that time of year again…the end of it. 2021 has caused a lot of fuckin’ grief for everybody that I’ve shared conversations. I honestly don’t know anyone that didn’t have a shit time of it.

So, let’s have it out.

This year didn’t treat me any better than those around me. I had to put Boodah down after 17 years. He was the best dog a guy could ever ask and hope to share life. We went on so many dope ass adventures! He visited all around Colorado during our Soul Searching in 2017. Who knows if I would be here now if not for his companionship. Those who were around at that time and shared time with me on the trip know exactly how dark of a time it was for me. I thank you endlessly for opening your doors and hearts to us.

Boodah went on the trip to California with Alex in…2015? I’m pretty sure it was that summer. I haven’t thought about it in quite a few years. There’s so much trauma centered around the relationship I shared with Alex. Reflecting on it still takes my breath away and drops the Sword of Damacles through my chest.

One of the most unexpected changes to come from the year resulted in looking at that relationship through eyes anew. For those not in the know, I ended a year long relationship right around the same time I put Boodah down. I tried so hard in that relationship, poured so much of my heart, soul, and sanity, and even lost my sight of my own well-being. But the more that relationship fell apart around me, the more clarity I gained to my past and personal history. I understood how you can’t dedicate your entire life to caring for someone more than they care for themselves.

It’s not the discussion of meeting someone halfway, or a 50/50 split because honestly there are times it shifts one way or another. Relationships ebb and flow as they progress through time as everyone goes through hardship and struggle. However, if the normal balance is 80/20 and only ever goes as far as 50/50 the other way, you simply can’t sustain it.

It can’t sustain you.

I have now felt both sides of that coin drop. I understand now.

And that comes with its own pain. Having to critically look at myself in the metaphorical mirror meant more misery of memories and mementos. As I learned about my life from another perspective, it drove me to become less tolerable of toxic people, situations, and decisions. I learned I would rather spend my life alone than share it with people who do not share the same aspirations. I do not exist to serve.

I’ve had more loss this year by people still alive than deaths in my life it seems. Going No-Contact with people requires so much discipline and determination. It honestly sucks to care about someone deeply and profoundly, but know that having them in your life will only cause pain.

But waking up to messages from people only wishing to spread pain and misery is not a way to live. I got tired of the constant traumas. I would rather not have you in my life than allow you to treat me any which way you please. I do not exist to cower.

One of the things that came out from the self-actualization of 2021 has resulted in my habit of calling people on their bullshit becoming a significant influence of the year. I’ve dealt with so much unhappiness from convenient, comforting lies and mistruths. I’ve lost so much sleep worrying about making sure people know I care about them that I stopped recognizing if they care about me. And it turns out some genuinely don’t. Which is fine. Fuck off somewhere away from me.

My mom is one of those people. We haven’t actually spoken in months. Not since she completely fucked me over as I knew she would. Surprised? No. Disheartened? Sadly. Anything business- or finance-related has always remained toxic.

Now imagine confronting your parents over the mistreatment they allowed to happen and fostered. Imagine your parents excusing away all of your trauma and pain on the reason they were young.

Like, sure. That’s great. You still did it. You’re still responsible for the effects you caused.

Worst yet, you’re still doing it. And you can’t use the excuse of youth simply because you don’t want to confront the truth.

I’ve never held the position of parents loving or caring about one sibling more than another. I’ve never bought into the infantile fallacy.

But god damn if I haven’t had it forced down my throat my entire life. I remember so many family fights revolving around how I was the favourite. About how I always got spoiled. About how I got preferential treatment in literally everything. I used to think and believe this was just my brother being a piece of shit human. The last year has shown me that, while he is absolutely a piece of shit human, he became that way based on his upbringing as much as own decisions. What I mean is that my mom regularly sided with my brother during these family fights to ensure my brother knew he was always loved and supported, no matter how wrong.

I couldn’t imagine being a parent and having to balance caring for a child that traumatically abuses his sibling with caring for the child being abused.

Albuquerque, NM from 30,000’