…If I’m Running in the Right Direction
- Kimbra “Right Direction”
Well. Shit. I certainly didn't post the year end accounting that I actually wrote a few months ago. Clearly it is now almost the last week of April 2023. I'll sum up that last entry and I'll maybe post it later, but for now: I fucked up 2022 from start to finish.
I'm not just knocking myself down a peg, because that was also needed, but rather I'm being honest. I was a hugely self-centered asshole the last few years. I caused a lot of damage to the people around me, the ones I love(d), and the ones that decided to leave. I've been lucky enough to make quite a few apologies and amends, though there are some hatchets that will stay stuck in the stump. I ended up with many cuts and gashes covering my hands and arms and a few on the chin.
The last few years have proven difficult and tiresome. I'm fucking exhausted at a soul level. I don't know if any amount of naps would ever take this away, but I'll keep trying. This winter proved the hardest depression I've had for many years. When I finally got some therapy and help with it, then it became a conversation about a weekend in-patient vacation. The unfortunate reality was that I had already passed the deepest part of the depression and things had started improving. I finally reached a moment of honesty and transparency which sent my support circle into tailspin of frantic energy.
Having a conversation with a friend yesterday, I remarked that I know I'm a good guy at the core, but I'm definitely also a rather rude and brash jerk. I couldn't have said the same during the holidays when I barely managed to convince myself that eating or showering had value. That's not entirely accurate. Those activities always have value. I felt valueless. My contributions seemed trivial, insignificant, and not even worth bringing up to anyone.
What had I accomplished? What had I achieved? Certainly nothing worth noticing much less appreciating.
I was ignored and voiceless and I felt I deserved it. Everything and everyone around me kept indicating I was the problem and the issue. I couldn't keep denying it when the pattern repeated with worsening results. I spent the holidays and winter emotionally isolated and alone. The days were long and the forest was darker than the pitch. And I felt I deserved every moment of it for wronging and harming the people I care about and love. I still feel that way and it sucks.
This sounds like I’m the victim in some ways and I'm not. I'm just living the results of poor decision making and even worse self-awareness.
I'm thankful for my people and my support circles. I wouldn't be alive without you all. And I know some of these people will read this and know how much they mean to me. Others may never see it and that's ok, too. I want to share my love with the people that will stay by my side when everything I am falls apart in my hands.
Shit. I'm crying at work again.
