Everything is Everything and Everything is Good

Music, it saved me
But it drives me crazy
'Cause it forces my eyes, to take a look and see
Got to decide to be happy
'Cause it don't always come naturally
- Mister Wives “Decide to be Happy”

Well, hello there friend. Been a while since I’ve been around these parts. Nearly a year actually. I haven’t had much in the way of things I’ve got to say. But, alas, here I sit on the precipice of another birthday and celebration. A few years ago I wrote a piece, 26 Years and Still Seems Like I’ve Just Begun to Understand, leading up to my 27th birthday.

I thought things had drastically changed in 2017 compared to the prior five or six years. And, hell, have things changed since then. I’ve moved states, gotten sober, changed careers, lost and gained friends, rebuilt some bridges while I let others crumble, and even had a solid relationship there for a while. I’ve grown in unexpected ways. I’ve learned in unforeseen ways. I’ve lost in unpredictable ways.

I think back to five years ago when I stopped drinking. I thought life was pretty good, and it was. I had good friends, a social life, a new promotion. I don’t think I’ve spoken much about getting sober on here, though those close to me know the importance of it. They have encouraged me endlessly and have all willingly listened to my struggles. It’s been easy because I was never an alcoholic. Alcohol just made it easier for me to justify or excuse-away acting like an ass. I was never a destructive drunk either, but I made poor decisions and found myself in dangerous or regrettable situations with friends or even people I didn’t know.

I stopped drinking on my 29th birthday. Stone cold decided I was done and haven’t had a drop since. I had a sip of non-alcoholic wine for a wedding toast and found the taste rather gross. I don’t even mess around with alcohol-flavored foods or desserts. I loved rum cake, but I don’t miss the taste. Whiskey flavoured bbq sauce used to sound enticing, and now I find the thought revolting. I don’t miss drinking. I don’t miss the hangovers. I don’t miss dropping a few hundred dollars and having my jaw partially dislocated while black out drunk in Austin, TX. (Lesson: Don’t spend all day getting drunk in another town alone.)

I recently stopped smoking. For those that know me personally, that’s also saying something. It became more of a habit and a hobby than an pleasurable pastime. I couldn’t tell the difference between sober or stoned anymore. It was just normal functioning. To be perfectly frank and honest, I still haven’t noticed any difference in that version of sobriety. Mostly, I just don’t spend the money on it anymore and find myself with more idle time on my hands. Really though, I’m just looking for a new gig and not smoking opens doors to more money. Again, for those that know me, the best way to motivate me is with cold hard cash money.

I moved. I moved a few states away. After the second time someone in Albuquerque road raged hard enough to start pulling out guns, I no longer wanted to live there. People ask me what living in Albuquerque was like, and they always nervously chuckle when I tell them “Breaking Bad” could be a documentary. But if you’ve lived there, you know. If you haven’t, well, there’s the saying, “Go to Albuquerque on vacation, and stay because your car was stolen.” Every year there are stories about people traveling through town, stopping for a night, and having their Uhaul stolen while they slumbered. Albuquerque is rough. I don’t miss it.

But, got damn do I miss my friends and grandma. Moma Lorena is by far one of my favourite people in this whole world and I can’t wait to see her again in a few months. We always have the best talks and I actually enjoy watching The Hallmark Channel with her. Some of those murder mystery shows are actually pretty top notch bangers.

My friends are amazing lights in my life and I miss you all dearly. I know I saw some of you just last month, but I’m already full of angst waiting to go back later this year. I can’t wait to see those of you up farther north in Denver. Ya’ll mean the world to me, too, so don’t feel forgotten! Eventually, I’ll make it back out to Texas for some of you too.

I’ve rebuilt my car, a few times over. I finally engine swapped the spare motor I’ve sat on since 2014. It’s got a couple of gremlins still, but it’s a huge difference. I finally get to see the tach go way past the old limiter and deep into the red line. I built a custom wiring harness for it and had custom parts machined for it (thanks Jak!). I built a fancy engine computer that connects to my laptop for fancy tuning things and button pressing. I converted the car to 5 lug wheels and swapped the rear brakes to disc. I completed projects after 10+ years of planning, plotting, and collecting parts. I’m just short of having my favourite Honda tuning shop give me a remote tune from Colorado. (Yes, that’s a thing you can do.)

I finally started work on my dad’s Camaro. Moving it from Rio Rancho nearly cost my two fingers when I smashed my hand between the floor jack and the front end of the car. I ended up breaking a couple of knuckles and fully expected to see missing or much more mangled fingers when I looked down at my hand. The urgent care doc said nothing was broken, but the shock my body endured said otherwise. Plus, I’ve broken enough bones to know what the physiological experience feels like. It sucks having that pit-of-the-stomach sickness. I can’t describe it more than that. You just know. Now, I have that project too. It’s running and drives, but getting it registered has been less than a quick trip to the DMV. Next week will be my 4th-5th visit trying to get everything squared away on it. Wish me luck

I had a good relationship and didn’t know how to care for it. I was self-centered and selfish. I expected too much of others while giving so little of myself. At the time, I didn’t feel that way, and I have my regrets. I was younger ignorant and didn’t understand. I have no excuses, but I wish I could apologize. I’m so incredibly sorry for how I treated her. She deserved better of me.

Covid was a thing, too. We all went through that. So that was cool. Picked up some new hobbies and completed other projects I had been planning and collecting parts for years. Some of those hobbies stuck around. Some are just too expensive right now to continually invest the time. I’ll get back to them, and the equipment doesn’t rot or waste away while sitting in the closet.

I started drawing and recreating pictures in my own style of pencil drawings using digital media. I still can’t freehand for the life of me, and a dear friend insists that I take some damn art classes already. I have the tools in Adobe, and clearly the skills, I’m just lacking the creative design to birth something from my own mind. It’s something I’ve always struggled to do for 2D art such as drawing or painting, but there have been bursts of creativity. I’ll get there.

As of late, I’ve taken a new look at life. I sat back and thought about where I want to go and who I want to be in the future. And I decided to do something about it. I stopped doomposting or shitposting (mostly) and have shifted my social media towards positivity and encouragement. I want people to feel inspired by their own lives. I want them to know they inspire me, that I admire their art, that they’re great parents, that they’re great friends, that their sobriety encourages my own. I’ve found new friends in sobriety to replace the ones I lost from getting sober. I’ve learned that you can’t rebuild all bridges, that you don’t always have to be Bob the Builder, and that along the journey of life, you will come across new bridges to cross. There are good people in the world, you just haven’t met them yet.

So, here I sit, avoiding 110* heat and reflecting on good life. I appreciate and love you all for taking the time to read this. You mean the world to me, and I can’t wait to see you again. Cheers to turning 34!