October Two

Removing people from your life is weird man. Yeah, I’m still talking about it because I’m clearly still working through it. How better to do it than online and letting anyone get the inside view of the degradation and changing of ideals. The more I reflect on life with my current perspective, the more I see how many of them no longer serve who I am or aspire to become. I want to be so much more than I have been for much of my life. I vividly remember Ms. Sellers asking my pointedly and bluntly, “When are you going to start taking this seriously?” I was a 16 year old junior at the time if my memory isn’t corrupted and it struck me dead in my tracks because there are no witty remarks to that. None that wouldn’t be some pretentious diversion to avoid having to accept the honesty she provided me.

I remember visiting her on her death bed shortly after college as she succumbed to pancreatic or liver cancer. Or maybe both. I’ve never sought out the causes of death for people I personally know. I never saw the value added with gaining that information. I find the question brash and a bit tacky. Maybe some folks find solace and closure in that knowledge. I hope everyone finds the closure they need in life.

A few years ago while working on a project, a friend’s uncle asked me at 0200, “What are you doing to better yourself?” I fucking was not prepared for that kind of mind fuck at 2 in the god damn morning while working 16+ hour days.

Yeah, it was pretty sweet fucking money I’m not going to lie. I really needed it and immediately took it and paid off the whole maybe $1500 in debt I had between my credit card and medical bills. Felt good as fuck.

But that question has stuck with my long after that project was forgotten for the next. What am I doing to better myself. At the time I said I had this website, I wrote, I took and published photos. Even before breaking my ankle in 2019, I had stopped doing those things. I wrote, but did nothing with it afterwards. I took pictures, and off loaded them to a hard drive to rot.

I had actual goals and things to achieve. I’ve lost so much of that from set back after set back. Funerals on the same day as weddings. Car theft the day of a rosary. Catastrophic physical injury days after a funeral. And that wasn’t even in 2020.

Well, now it’s October 2021 and what am I doing to improve myself? Do I even really know who I am anymore?

After 17 years I deactivated the lion’s share of any social media I have had. I’m so tired of it. So tired of the negativity, the echo chambers, the hatred and pain and suffering. I originally rationalized having my Facebook for the superficial ego boosting fact it helped me reconnect and date an amazing woman in college. I of course fucked that up because the reality of facing my potential I could accomplish standing by her side terrified me like a little boy.

Many of the relationships that followed were active attempts to self-sabotage myself away from that dizzying height of possibility stretched out before me. It fucking blinded me. And I flew away from the sun.

I’ve spent so many years building a new set of wings. But I built them for a different place, a different time, a different age. They’ve taken me everywhere I’ve wanted to go. I’ve been privileged to have so many opportunities to prove my worth to the world and myself. I wish more of them where to show that worth rather than the feeling of having to prove it. That anxious energy could and can do so much more.

So, what wings will this new journey require? I’ve spent a lifetime building the skills and filling the toolbox. I’ve crashed and burned so many times before. I’ve swam my way back and crawled up the face of the cliff. Until the day that the sea consumes me, I will continue trying. I will find a new shore and bluer waters.