Year End Accounting pt. 3
Well, I guess we’ve reached the time to discuss dating in 2021.
It’s horrible. It’s shit.
Like if someone told me 10 years ago that I would be having to try to date during lockdowns, social distancing, and wearing masks, I wouldn’t have had any clue what you were on about at all. But now that we all know it intimately, god damn. It makes meeting attractive people exponentially more difficult. Social events exist, but they’re hollow bones of the past.
I began a relationship early in 2020 right as lockdowns happened. I had a friend that exclaimed confusion at how I managed to combine the two. I had been single for 4 year at that point, and suddenly with the world ending decided it was time.
Not really. That’s not how it works. I found a partner that shared interests, hobbies, passions, and outlooks on life. We had a great time and went on a bunch of dope ass adventures. But it fell apart and came to an end just over a year later. It took a few more months before I decided to go full no-contact for my own mental health and sanity.
Oh shit. I also got off social media (mostly). No Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and I never had TikTok.
I got on that bandwagon a long fuckin time ago. Like summer 2004 on MySpace before it was even a thing. My bestfriend Tim had convinced Dominic and I to create one the day after my birthday when we were hanging out. 17 years later I had had enough. Enough toxicity, time-wasting, and worthless arguing. Though, I do miss the memes. I mean, I had two albums literally named “Shitposting” and “Not Shitposting.”
Part of my life changes of the year came from removing toxicity in my life like I said. At first the lack of stimulation and interaction caused anxiety and what felt like isolation. The truth is though, I wasn’t any more alone or isolated than with the social media platforms. I only had a few people I actively engaged with regularly. Once I got offline, I had time to sit with myself and figure out who actually fits into my life.
A guiding principle came about from somewhere that I can’t remember but it stuck as truth: People let you know where you fit in their life, or if you don’t. And it isn’t our job to change how they feel or convince them otherwise. Rather, our purpose is to accept where you fit. Or don’t and find a better fit.
It sucks losing people, but I’ve lost myself before and I won’t make that sacrifice again.
So back to dating. I’ve tried a couple of times. Unsuccessfully. Whether I was emotionally unavailable or they were, it didn’t work out at no fault of anyone. It goes that way.
I gotta say though, how proud I am of myself. I went to the Jinjer show with some friends earlier this month. It was absolutely amazing. It had been far too long since I was in mosh pits. Well, I met a really attractive woman and her mom at the edge of the pit where a random dude and I were apparently assigned to lift all the crowdsurfers. Being the big guy in the crowd comes with responsibilities. Ha!
Well, the show ended and I hadn’t run back into them. I figured I would wait a couple minutes while my buddies had a cigarette on the chance I could run into her again. Lo and behold, they came out and made a point of coming to say hi/bye to their “new friend!” We hugged and talked for a second, and I mustered my courage (that I had been storing for like at least a half hour) to ask for her number. I figured I didn’t actually have anything to lose. I knew it took balls to ask for girl’s number in front of her mom, so that couldn’t be a bad thing in my favor.
“Hey, so, could I have your number?” as I extended my phone to her.
“Uhm, my number? What for?” she asked.
“Well, you have a gorgeous smile and I’d like to take you to dinner,” in my smoothest voice trying not to stumble over my words.
“OH! Well, I’m married. And have two kids.”
“Oh no shit! That’s awesome!”
We hugged again and went on our separate ways into the cold December night. I don’t know of any other time in my life I was so straight-forward about asking for a number. Normally, I would try to distance myself from the rejection by using social media, or texting, or something where the person couldn’t see the disappointment on my face. Or I would cover it thickly in humor and sarcasm to play it off later.
Butt fuck it.
My dad always told me an axiom that I repeat constantly: Never be afraid to ask a woman to dance. All she can do is say no, and you’re no worse off than you were.
I’ve said it more times than I’ve lived it. But I don’t want to be like I have been. As The Format’s song “Dog Problems” goes:
When I said ‘I hate what I’ve become,’ I lied.
I hated who I was.
So, I put myself out there and got turned down. I talked with one of my bestfriends about it over that weekend and told her my mentality, “Gotta learn to accept a ‘No’ with grace and dignity.” I was genuinely surprised when she told me it was one of the qualities that made me amazing. Didn’t expect to hear that sort of validation, but damn was it needed.
It feels bizarre and foreign to find myself excited at the prospect of dating again. I watched a stream by Tessa Violet and Julia Nunes a while back where they offered life advice and such. Julia Nunes dropped massive truth bombs that absolutely fucked me up since.
We accept the love we think we deserve rather than what we actually want or deserve.
This usually amounts to the hot-and-cold of some relationships, or what can be called “Love Crumbs.” The love someone gives isn’t enough to actually sustain or feed your soul. It’s just enough to keep you interested and coming back hoping that eventually things will change in your favor. Everyone around you could tell you not to do it. You could even know yourself that it’s not what you want. But as long as it still feels good, you’re going to keep doing it.
Until it doesn’t anymore.
And then on that day, you’ll feel hurt and betrayed and devastated.
I don’t want love crumbs anymore, and it’s not that I feel special, but I deserve the whole damn cookie.
