April 5, 2010

4-5-10

 

I stand in a crowded room

I feel as alone as a desert snake

Writhing and hiding its way through

A summer sandstorm

 

The wind blows and deafens my ears

With a constant ringing

With the buzzing of a hornets nest

Buried deep in my chest

 

Thump.

Thump.

Thump.

 

You started it, my love, can't stop it

Tried burying it, hiding it, ignoring it, numbing it,

Running, fighting, fucking, speeding, meditating,

praying, wishing, hoping, singing, writing, playing,

Just to maybe—

Just a moment—

For one second—

 

I've written more songs than I can remember

Had such vivid dreams I swear—!

That I could reach out across the expanse

Years lost, nights' tears, days' misery

 

Let's be perfectly clear,

I never 'lost' her

I let her go

without so much as a fight

I wanted to believe

In all the bullshit that poisoned my mind

about letting go of what you love

 

What a crock of shit

Why would anyone believe it?

I was a fool with a 'silly heart'

 

Can I chalk it up to youth?

What about immaturity?

Insecurities?

 

Life once seemed a curious series of mistakes

Now I look back and see short-sided visions

Distorted realities forced into molds

I've never quite believed in predestined fate

But I did believe—

Do believe—

I don't know what to believe anymore.

 

I just know when something becomes

More powerful than imaginable

Until it's undeniably unavoidable.